Lots of Change

I have a lot of stuff going on right now. Unfortunately, I choose not to write about some of it publicly.

My departure from Seattle has been postponed for two years. Somethings have happened to change my departure date and destination, as well as change my life drastically.

I am never going to be the same. I am a different woman than I was last December and this time, there is no going back. I have a few loose ends I need to tie up, but in time my plans are going to all fall into place. I may even achieve a dream or two. I get to become a bee-keeper!

There is only one thing stopping me from writing here instead of at Monsters, and that is The Boy. My goal is not to hurt him, and I know for me, there is no  going back. It is not fair for me to keep his key, when I now know for sure, there is no turning back. I love him to pieces, but I am no longer in love with him and can’t live like we lived. I’m so sorry it turned out this way. I guess I’m avoiding his hatred.

The last week I have had SO many realizations about my life, who I was, who I became, where I am going, how they are all me, and have served a purpose. I have found a very deep, personal peace. It started with too much to handle. I broke and it was the best thing to ever happen to me because I changed. It’s not so much even that I “changed”, but I understood.

Knowledge is power.

Love is the answer.

Love

I’m 47 and feel like I have just learned what Love is. It would have been at one point, if you asked me what Love is, I would have stammered around to try to explain the emotion of romantic love, platonic love or, love of humanity.

Never in a million years would I have cited love of self.

I didn’t get to love of self first. It took me going through a phase of first, external forgiveness, next internal, after that came a love of those I have harbored the most ill will for, it was after this happened that I came to a love for myself and the source that created every last one of us.

In one sense, it took more pain than I could personally handle. With so much before that point, the last round literally broke me in the best way possible. I was forced to find an alternative way to live.

I was forced to give in and jump into a void like I had never known. I am grateful.

I haven’t become bulletproof. I still have feelings, and if you cut me, I will absolutely bleed. Somewhere along the line, I have come to an understanding with the source of my creation and with it has come so much calmness and peace. Along with the belief this is how it needs to be done for me.

I think of some of the people who have used the word love around me, and though I may seem like I’m putting you down by saying this, I’m not. You don’t understand love if you don’t see me in your eyes when you look in the mirror because we all come from the same source.

I’m quiet for the moment

But that’s only here.

How I roll (wake n bake 2012)

First I steam my milk.

Then I pull she shots.

Shots go into big ass mug.

Then pour the steamed milk. If you can make pretty pictures, now is the time and since I was taking pictures at the same time, and every coffee art I make looks like a mushroom cloud, I skipped it.

You might think we are done now and ready to go, but you’d be wrong. Especially on such a beautiful, sunny day with a large grill party ahead. (I’m the cook and bartender. NINJA ON BITCH!!!)

Now we are done!

Productive Day

I had to do my tomatoes and peppers today. I have 3 different types of tomatoes and at least five types of peppers.

That right there, is a bounty of yumminess, planted next to the raspberries and strawberries.

I decided this morning that Barista Boy was really so helpful yesterday, without even knowing it, just by being part of my seeing something old, in a new way. It really was too cute when he commented about wanting a herb garden so bad and not knowing how to garden. Then asking me what starts were and he got all excited about gardening before realizing he didn’t know what a start was.

This is what I made for Barista Boy:

Top pot contains Jalapeno.  Lower pot is (Clockwise, top) Sage, Cilantro, and Oregano.

Top pot is two Roma tomatoes, second pot is Garlic…accidental so if they grow it’s a bonus, and finally Chives. I also got him a nice Basil plant for indoor in a window or something, and finally, a few of my Asian Poppy starts from seed, which are legal as long as you just grow them for flowers.

I also moved all my container plants down by my boxes, so I am all centralized now.

My Garden contains: Cucumbers for salads, cucumbers for pickles, Acorn squash, summer squash, radishes, purple dragon carrots, turnips, red lettuce (2 types) green lettuce, red onion, yellow onion, sweet corn, popcorn, artichokes, celery, basil, basil, and more basil, broccoli, cauliflower, red cabbage, more radishes, chives, leeks, peas, snow peas, garlic, bell peppers, cherry bomb peppers, golden bell peppers, red-hot peppers, jalapeno, and tomatoes!

I wonder if I’ll get to eat any of it. I am not hearing good Fukushima things. Multiple sources even. Even if that is how we go, I’m going out gardening, partying like it’s 1999, and happy with Love in my soul.

And no, I’m not hitting on Barista Boy, he truly did something I was totally down with and it’s my thank you.

Stand Up Guy # 4 (Mr. New York)

Today I was at my favorite local (NOT STARBUCKS) coffee shop. Barista Boy smiled at me in his ultra cute way and asked how I was? I was reading a text from someone and so I smiled, probably coyly in return and stated, “I am good!” He asked if I was having my usual triple-grande, organic latte and I said yes. We chit chatted about the weekend weather (rumor has it, it is going to be in the 80′s all weekend). This prompted garden talk. I asked if he wanted any starts and he, explained he did, but doesn’t know anything about balcony gardening and…”What’s a start?”

It was at this moment I realized how much he reminded me of Mr. New York. I had a brief inappropriate flash of Barista Boy as I realized what a dis-service I have done to Mr. New York by not recognizing him as a stand up guy. He truly was, and still is, as of the last talk…a stand up guy.

So I really just wanted to set the record straight, but I also think it important for me to correct my own errors in perception when I see them. I want to take THAT moment and make sure it get’s re-wired in my freaking brain the right way so that everything is not so negative in my past. If this can be done without altering the reality of the situation (not as escape) then I think it is right to do, don’t you?

I’m looking at leaving in a more realistic fashion than when I first decided it’s time. I’m giving myself till the end of the year. Preferably, I leave here early December. That means it’s time to clamp down and wind up all my loose ends. I have to tell The Boy yet. I’d like to tell him before he reads it here, but that may be too late. Hopefully he will understand that this is about me and something that has been on the plate of possibilities for over a year. We have been apart now since mid December and I am realizing that by being nice about it…I am giving him the impression I may possibly want to get back together with him. I don’t. As much as I love him, and for me, there are many reasons he is deserving of love, there is but just one reason I can’t go back. I don’t feel the same and as much as I thought I might. I don’t.

He will wonder, as others probably do in just reading my blog, that my discussions with an old boyfriend from 30 years ago, followed by my announcement that I’m ready to leave means I am running off to MNB.

BUZZZZZZZ! Do not pass go. Do NOT collect $200.00.

I am not leaving here to go be with MNB.

This happened more because of work, some of the painful past that is here for me and feeling tied to it. Not wanting to sit around on my ass waiting for another ten years. Not putting life, happiness, love, and all that IS possible, on hold, to wait. I waited ten, painful, soul-crushing years and I’m not going to not live life again damn it! I want to push my limits and follow a path, and grow Spiritually. I want to raise bees, and garden. I want to learn to live in a self-sustaining way and make a difference in the impact I leave on the planet.

Lately, I have been dreaming and thinking of Taos, New Mexico. Of course, when I have said I want to go live in Mexico, I meant it. But I don’t see that happening…yet. Maybe I’ll get to Taos, but maybe I won’t. Initially, I’m not going to start out there.  So there are the places I am NOT going and when everything falls into place like it should, I will not be secretive.

Anyway, Mr. New York, you were a stand up guy too.

For What Its Worth

There’s something happening here
What it is ain’t exactly clear
There’s a man with a gun over there
Telling me I got to beware

I think it’s time we stop, children, what’s that sound
Everybody look what’s going down

There’s battle lines being drawn
Nobody’s right if everybody’s wrong
Young people speaking their minds
Getting so much resistance from behind

I think it’s time we stop, hey, what’s that sound
Everybody look what’s going down

What a field-day for the heat
A thousand people in the street
Singing songs and carrying signs
Mostly say, hooray for our side

It’s time we stop, hey, what’s that sound
Everybody look what’s going down

Paranoia strikes deep
Into your life it will creep
It starts when you’re always afraid
You step out of line, the man come and take you away

We better stop, hey, what’s that sound
Everybody look what’s going down
Stop, hey, what’s that sound
Everybody look what’s going down
Stop, now, what’s that sound
Everybody look what’s going down
Stop, children, what’s that sound
Everybody look what’s going down

WTF?

Had a few requests at the other blog, so I was adding names, or trying to and I can’t do it. In fact, I accidentally deleted two names and can’t add them again.

I KNOW it is operator error.

Fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck!

Career Opportunities (listen for the oi’s)

There is a story to this song.

You know where to go to read it.

I gave notice today at work.

I’ve decided to leave Washington. I’ve been thinking about it for a few years and well, things have just changed enough that it is time.

There is a new post

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